Stepping Out – Transforming Pain into Loving Action

Every-time I try to sit down and organize my thoughts to write about the loss now, I end up going through all my writings and I just get lost reading all the stuff I have written. Sometimes I leave my body and go back and forth between so much inside myself and I cry.  And then I always find myself to tired to just write or post things in the perfect way that I want it all to be, complete with no typos, perfect grammar, the lay out just so.  It is almost impossible to move forward with any ideas about organizing this journey when I expect it to be perfect.  I have written it all down in so many ways, it is at all there in files of essay, poems and random writings. There are just so many parts. So instead of trying to make it all perfect. I am going to start where I am now.

March 16th 2015. Two years later. 

I wanted to say that today is Blue’s EDD (expected due date). Two years ago today me, her father, family and friends gathered to honor her life. This year as I anticipated the day I didn’t know what to expect.  To my surprise something unexpected and beautiful happened two days before her day that has made March 16th a very  beautiful day.

Some of you know that I worked at a homeless clinic as medical social worker for the last year, I left there in January for a new job.  I believe that due to my experience with Blue and the deep pain of that loss it widen my bandwidth to hold other peoples pain.  While at the homeless clinic I met hundreds of people, heard many life stories and it changed my life in so many ways.  And then I met DV at the clinic and he was diagnosed with a bad cancer.  DV had no family- no one to help him die. He was afraid and didn’t want to die a lone.  There I was with some real life experience with death to share with him.  I now know about death because I learned how to be with death when Blue died and I learned how to plan a death because I had to plan the death of my unborn child, Blue.  Now two years later I was sitting with a 69 year old man who was dying and we needed to prepare.  DV died last week at 9pm Saturday night, Pi day of all days 3/14/15. I had the honor to be the only person with him for 9 hours up until he took his last breath. It was beautiful. I played Blue’s transition music for him.

Back in November DV and I put all of his affairs in order and then he asked me the question, “what do you know about death?”.  I told him about Blue, but very little, in fact I never even told him her name just that I lost a baby.  We discussed death for hours in many different ways, preparing.  He is Christian man and told me that when he died the first thing he would do is find my baby in heaven and tell her what a wonderful mother she has.  He also told me to look for a sign because he was going to leave me a sign that he had done it.  He was adamant about this! I will keep you posted on that.

Well when I showed up on Sat morning March 14th for DV, he could no longer speak and was in the final throws of dying.  I hadn’t seen him since January.  We had spent hours in the end of 2014 talking about death.  Now here we were together.   I could tell he new it was me there with him as he slowly let go.  I held his hand, I sang him songs for hours, created sacred space for his death transition.  Just as I had done when Blue died.  When DV passed I felt his life energy go through my body- just as I had felt Blue rush through me after she was gone- it was different but the same. What a gift.

The gift is this reminder of the magic in the tragic. The beauty of death. Blue is fine, DV is fine. In fact they are both more fine than me, although I am fine.  I am reminded that the only time I am not fine is when I believe, wish or think anything should be different than it is- to think Blue shouldn’t have died.  It is is natural and there is nothing wrong with  me to want Blue here with me.  I don’t need to judge myself for that longing.  However, when I don’t long for things to be different I am happier. When I remember that death is a gift, and Blue is always my greatest gift in this life, I am happier.

And then at 9 pm tonight I got a text from one friend who had been at the ritual two years ago saying- “thinking of you and Blue”. One person remembered totally on his own! That is enough!  I didn’t expect anyone to remember but me.  Now I am feeling the glow of DV and the love and gratitude we share and the presence of Blue in the  mist of it all.  And even though DV and I share different spiritual and religious beliefs I find a great comfort in knowing he and her are somehow connected.  Now, I can celebrate his death and her death every year together- just a few days apart- and week before my own birthday!


Please join me on this journey and let Blue touch you as she has touched me.  Go to the menu button on the top of this page and explore in your own time the beautiful and heart breaking story of love, death and shifting paradigms.


One thought on “Stepping Out – Transforming Pain into Loving Action

  1. Dear Marna, I chose to read this on your birthday. And how perfect. Your beautiful writing is a celebration of life and death. And today, you were born, years ago. Thanks so much for the time – courage and determination to write your experience. I have never been present, physically, for death and I am grateful for what you shared. It is a gift to read it. Love, Karen

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