How Do We Walk the Tragic Road?

Lets not fool each other anymore, we all  have our tragedies, unique, similar and each our own.  The question is not so much about the detail of the specific  tragedy, although specifics are very important.  More important is the question, how do we walk the tragic road?  How much love and consciousness can we bring to our tragedies?  How can we be tender with each other and with ourselves even in the most insane times of life?

I don’t have the answers to these question but they sit deeply inside of my heart as I do my best to be tender, love and feel all that is parts of being lost in the pain of my specific tragedy.  This includes a host of feelings such as  anger, sadness, apathy, depression, loss of hope and at times grace when a true smile or a real laugh comes through me.

What is tragedy?

A tragedy is an experience that take you by surprise.  Its something you never even dreamed could happen to you.  When it begins, no matter how hard you try to control yourself you will be unable to.  It’s a living nightmare and you can’t wake up because it’s not a dream, it’s really happening to you in real time.  A tragedy will shatter your reality into a million little tiny pieces that will never be put back together again in the same way.  It removes your sense of self and you may wander around wondering who you are.  It will completely rob you of your sanity and you will lose touch with reality.  A tragedy can feel like your own death because maybe in sense a part of you is dying.  It will take you to places within yourself and outside of yourself that do not resemble anything familiar to who you know yourself to be.  You will know it is a real tragedy when you find yourself lost within yourself as the rest of the world goes on untouched by your personal pain.

How do we walk the road of tragedy during and after?

Hopefully with tenderness.  This site is inspired by my recent tragedy, the loss of my unborn child Blue Caballero-Byrnes.  She was four months gestation when I had to let her go.  Yes, I had to let her go!  I didn’t want to let her go, it was the choice-less choice.  It will always be the greatest act of love I have ever been a part of in my life.  Having loved Blue with a love I have never felt before in my life, it was clear that I didn’t want her to ever take one single breath of suffering.  Had she been born her life would have been nothing but pain and confusion for all involved.  She had a genetic disorder that would have made her life unlivable even if she had survived.  Regardless of those real facts the decision breaks my heart because there was know decision that wouldn’t break my heart.

How do I walk the road of this tragedy?

I will write about it.  I will feel the pain as much as I can and will share my grief with those who will listen.  I will write specifically about the tragedy of Blue, my love for her, my journey to and through her transition.  I will do it when I am ready to do so.  It is the story of a very specific kind of perinatal loss that is not talked about often.  It is a loss that involves a decision, a very hard decision.  When I am ready I will write it down for  who ever wants to listen to how hard that decision was and still is.  I can say now that it took away my ground, my sanity and I still wondering who I will be as I unravel what has happened.  In addition I will write on about me, Marna Cathleen.  Who I was before this choice and who I become after this choice.  Because right now I am not so sure who I am anymore.

Why share our tragedies?

Maybe it will give you, the reader, hope.  Hope to go on when you feel like you just can’t.  Maybe you have had your own perinatal loss, miscarriage, stillborn, abortion.  Maybe you have lost a grown child or have experienced other types of loss.  Maybe you have your own personal tragedy that can make life feel unlivable at times.   I believe our culture is very naïve when it comes to grief and loss.  So many people grieve in isolation and that creates illness and a lot of suffering.  So finding ways to share it helps the world deal with the grief of so many things.

I know now, in a way I could have never imagined, how tragedy really feels.  How loss and  deep grief weighs on you like a wet blanket.  That some days life is unbearable.  Maybe this site is just a small way to help me cope with the part of this loss that feels to big for me to handle a lone.  Maybe if just one person peeks into my world and gets a little bit of hope it will begin to rub off on me.

How do we walk the tragic road?

Hopefully we walk it together!!! and if we are lucky we walk it with a lot of tenderness.  The world needs more tenderness!

With many blessing to all on your tragic road whatever it may be.  May we learn to walk it together with tenderness and by sharing our most vulnerable places with each other.

Blessings,

Marna Cathleen

 

*Please join me on this journey and let Blue touch you as she has touched me.  Go to the menu button on the top of this page and explore in your own time the beautiful and heart breaking story of love, death and shifting paradigms.*

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10 thoughts on “How Do We Walk the Tragic Road?

  1. Your expression and sharing sheds light on a long-embodied experience in me. I am well acquainted with pure, sweet, beautiful love awoken in me followed by a break in the physical connection of that manifested love. Where do I put this big huge energy ball of love. That love is painfully struggling to reconnect with it’s original source, finding nothing to attach to in my physical world. Peace to you and Blue, a connection of love that is real and will always live. Namaste.

  2. You are right, Marna. You are not alone. “So sorry” isn’t enough. But thinking about you and your experience tonight.

  3. Dear Marna, May this tender moment after moment journey enrich-en your heart and soul with the continual realization of the unending connection of you and Baby Blue. Blessed is Blue spending time with you and though her visit was very short, she gave and continues to give you love from her beautiful spiritual home, watching over you and wrapping you in a lovely veil of love. My heart reaches out to you as you maybe in the “I don’t know stage”. It’s actually a blessed space not to know what is next or who am I now. With in the “I don’t know” space, you are safe to dwell in the still silence, the creator’s space of coming change and potential. I pray that you now begin to see an un-fouldment of hope and rediscovery of a “new you”. May you see a new shape and blossoming into your “new Marna” from today and into each new moments unending. I too loss my little Baby Sarina many years ago, yet I always feel her beautiful presence and know that her short visit was exactly what had to be, like a kiss from an angel, Sarina blessed me with her love and I feel her connection with me, even while she continues to move on with her own magical spiritual journey. Peace be with you Marna. Love Ahleen

    1. Thank your this thoughtful and revealing truth. Its amazing what we don’t know about our friends.
      as I open myself up I am amazed at how many people are loving me and that feels very good- and how many people actually understand and get tragedy and greif.

      much love to you
      Marna

  4. Dear Marna,
    I am touched by your ability to convey something so many of us feel or have felt in our lives.
    Real grief is not supported in our culture. I have often seen bereaved people, mothers, fathers…wailing at funerals in foreign countries (the middle east, India etc), and though the experience was obviously tragic, I found myself strangely envious of this raw outpouring of emotion.
    I have the feeling that when we truly learn to wail and grieve, we will start to become a more sane society. Most of our tragedy lays hidden inside us and shows itself only in the most distorted ways. And of course, our planet is now reflecting back to us this unexpressed, unresolved, pain and suffering.

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