Lets not fool each other anymore, we all have our tragedies, unique, similar and each our own. The question is not so much about the detail of the specific tragedy, although specifics are very important. More important is the question, how do we walk the tragic road? How much love and consciousness can we bring to our tragedies? How can we be tender with each other and with ourselves even in the most insane times of life?
I don’t have the answers to these question but they sit deeply inside of my heart as I do my best to be tender, love and feel all that is parts of being lost in the pain of my specific tragedy. This includes a host of feelings such as anger, sadness, apathy, depression, loss of hope and at times grace when a true smile or a real laugh comes through me.
What is tragedy?
A tragedy is an experience that take you by surprise. Its something you never even dreamed could happen to you. When it begins, no matter how hard you try to control yourself you will be unable to. It’s a living nightmare and you can’t wake up because it’s not a dream, it’s really happening to you in real time. A tragedy will shatter your reality into a million little tiny pieces that will never be put back together again in the same way. It removes your sense of self and you may wander around wondering who you are. It will completely rob you of your sanity and you will lose touch with reality. A tragedy can feel like your own death because maybe in sense a part of you is dying. It will take you to places within yourself and outside of yourself that do not resemble anything familiar to who you know yourself to be. You will know it is a real tragedy when you find yourself lost within yourself as the rest of the world goes on untouched by your personal pain.
How do we walk the road of tragedy during and after?
Hopefully with tenderness. This site is inspired by my recent tragedy, the loss of my unborn child Blue Caballero-Byrnes. She was four months gestation when I had to let her go. Yes, I had to let her go! I didn’t want to let her go, it was the choice-less choice. It will always be the greatest act of love I have ever been a part of in my life. Having loved Blue with a love I have never felt before in my life, it was clear that I didn’t want her to ever take one single breath of suffering. Had she been born her life would have been nothing but pain and confusion for all involved. She had a genetic disorder that would have made her life unlivable even if she had survived. Regardless of those real facts the decision breaks my heart because there was know decision that wouldn’t break my heart.
How do I walk the road of this tragedy?
I will write about it. I will feel the pain as much as I can and will share my grief with those who will listen. I will write specifically about the tragedy of Blue, my love for her, my journey to and through her transition. I will do it when I am ready to do so. It is the story of a very specific kind of perinatal loss that is not talked about often. It is a loss that involves a decision, a very hard decision. When I am ready I will write it down for who ever wants to listen to how hard that decision was and still is. I can say now that it took away my ground, my sanity and I still wondering who I will be as I unravel what has happened. In addition I will write on about me, Marna Cathleen. Who I was before this choice and who I become after this choice. Because right now I am not so sure who I am anymore.
Why share our tragedies?
Maybe it will give you, the reader, hope. Hope to go on when you feel like you just can’t. Maybe you have had your own perinatal loss, miscarriage, stillborn, abortion. Maybe you have lost a grown child or have experienced other types of loss. Maybe you have your own personal tragedy that can make life feel unlivable at times. I believe our culture is very naïve when it comes to grief and loss. So many people grieve in isolation and that creates illness and a lot of suffering. So finding ways to share it helps the world deal with the grief of so many things.
I know now, in a way I could have never imagined, how tragedy really feels. How loss and deep grief weighs on you like a wet blanket. That some days life is unbearable. Maybe this site is just a small way to help me cope with the part of this loss that feels to big for me to handle a lone. Maybe if just one person peeks into my world and gets a little bit of hope it will begin to rub off on me.
How do we walk the tragic road?
Hopefully we walk it together!!! and if we are lucky we walk it with a lot of tenderness. The world needs more tenderness!
With many blessing to all on your tragic road whatever it may be. May we learn to walk it together with tenderness and by sharing our most vulnerable places with each other.
*Please join me on this journey and let Blue touch you as she has touched me. Go to the menu button on the top of this page and explore in your own time the beautiful and heart breaking story of love, death and shifting paradigms.*